The Oscars happened tonight. Or maybe they're still going on. Not sure. Don't really care, to be honest. I haven't seen any of this year's Best Picture nominations, so I'm not exactly invested.
Really, with so much talk this year about how the winners are selected by a bunch of out-of-touch old white guys who couldn't even tell The LEGO Movie (and everything) is awesome, why give their nomination choices so much importance? While they do sometimes hit the nail on the head, let's just all admit, Facebook friends, like the peasants we are, that we are all being pretentious when we pretend that we liked The Life of Pi better than The Avengers in 2012. Or that we actually saw The Artist.
(Random side note: I just typed "Everything is Awesome" into YouTube and the first result that came up was "Everything is Awesome 1 Hour Version." WHY???)
The thing I look forward to during awards season are the red carpets before the shows. I'm not very fashion-obsessed, but there is something petty yet satisfying about thinking "I may not be as rich or as pretty as Julianne Moore but at least my dress doesn't remind anyone of moldy bread."
Of course, sometimes I think, "I may not be as rich or as pretty or as talented or as fantastically dressed as Reese Witherspoon is tonight but at least ... Nope. I've got nothing."
The Golden Globes last week contained a lot of bad looks (it's like all the designers forgot what shape women's bodies actually are and were like "Hopefully this random pattern of fabric will cover all the right bits, but who knows?") but this year's Oscars fashions were pretty tame. Everyone is making fun of Lady Gaga's gloves, which look like she just got done cleaning a toilet and forgot to take them off before heading out the door. But this is Lady Gaga we're talking about. Shouldn't we just be congratulating her on not wearing a dress made out of meat?
(Random side note: I've always thought is was weird that instead of asking "Who designed your dress?" reporters ask "Who are you wearing?" like everyone made a dress of someone's skin, Hannibal Lector style. With Lady Gaga's infamous meat dress, that question seems infinitely more sinister.)
And of course, let's not forget that men walk the red carpet too. There just isn't as much anticipation tied to those photos. Oh look! He wore ... a black tuxedo! How groundbreaking! And it looks ... good on him! What a surprise! Just kidding. No man's appearance was ever not improved by a classic black tux.
If I ever became a celebrity or a celebrity's wife, I would buy a classy, flattering dress off the rack at the mall for fifty bucks so that when someone asked who I'm wearing I could tell them "I don't know, I bought this at Macy's and I forgot to check the label before I put it on" and watch Twitter explode. Then take the $15,000 most Oscar dresses cost and donate it to charity.
But since the chances of me marrying Chris Evans are nil, I'll have to stick to being sadly lacking in designer clothing for less heroic and statement-making reasons. I don't mind, minus the occasional moment like this weekend when I found myself sitting knee to knee in a boutique dressing room (it was the only place to sit down) with a rising star in the handbag design world, interviewing him about his rise from eastern Oregon obscurity to designing one of Oprah's top 10 must-have totes for this winter. Then I may have felt slightly self-conscious about my faux leather definitely-did-not-come-from-a-New-York-City-showroom purse stuffed full of pens and notebooks. Which he very graciously did not mention.
(Random side note: At least I'm a step ahead of one of the men in my family who, while Christmas shopping, wanted to know what size of purse Mom wears because he thought purses came in sizes like clothing.)
Well, according to social media the Oscars are indeed over and nobody even tripped on their dress and everyone who judged women on their red carpet look instead of the quality of their acting is a sexist jerk.
At least I'm not one of the 1,458,283 people who listened to "Everything is Awesome" on repeat for an hour.