Happy Gun Appreciation Day. In honor of the holiday, I thought I would give some sorely-needed advice to those celebrating the event with gusto.
To make my position clear on guns, I don't personally own any, I respect that people have a Constitutional right to own them, but I am also in favor of a few reasonable common-sense measures like limits on high-capacity magazines, waiting periods and universal background checks that will allow people to own as many guns as they want while still trying to prevent tragedy. I am not in favor of kicking in your door with Obama in the middle of the night and seizing all of your guns. Even though this seems to be the only definition of "gun control" that gun enthusiasts believe exist, I have never actually heard anyone I know advocate for that particular course.
Honestly, I don't think the fact that people own guns is the main problem here. I know plenty of totally responsible people who enjoy target shooting and hunting and I am very comfortable with them owning a gun. The real thing that concerns me, as it concerns many friends I've talked to, is the large segment of the population that are scarily obsessed with guns. The ones who are ranting and raving daily on Facebook about the 109 guns they own and how anyone who comes for them will have to pry every one of them from their cold, dead hands.
What those people don't realize is that those posts are actually making people want to take away their guns even more, before they decide that the Constitution is telling them to defend themselves from tyrannical government by shooting up the local courthouse. A word of advice to people who want to do their part in keeping strict gun control laws from being enacted: Don't act like one of the crazy people who you're insisting are the real problem.
Seriously. The gun lobby has really shot itself in the foot on this one (just like the people who are so obsessed with their guns they do stupid things like handle them when drunk or dance around nightclubs with a gun in their waistband without the safety on). Let's look at what the pro-gun movement has given us to consider while our nation weighs gun control:
There's the vice president of the NRA, who suggested in all seriousness that the best way to reduce the rate of shootings in elementary schools is to put a bunch of guns in elementary schools. If he wanted to convince the people whose motto is not "In guns we trust" to give him a seat at the table in these discussions, that was not the way to do it. Statistically speaking, if you own a pit bull you are more likely to be bitten by a pit bull. If you ride your bike to work you're more likely to be involved in a bike accident. And mathematical analysis has shown if there is a gun in your home you are significantly more likely to get shot. It would logically follow, then, that if there are armed teachers in your school or guns locked in boxes at strategic locations, you are also more likely to get shot.
There are the Sandy Hook truthers who are sending death threats to people in Newtown who they believe were paid off to participate in a government set-up to stir people to action on gun control (they also believe the Virginia Tech Massacre was perpetrated by a government black ops team and Aurora's shooter was brainwashed by the government). If you're sick enough to believe a bunch of people would be okay with mass slaughter to make political point, you're disturbed enough to go on a rampage yourself and stupid enough to shoot someone accidentally.
There is the guy who came up with the idea for Gun Appreciation Day. He told a black news anchor with a straight face that Martin Luther King Jr. (who, just as a reminder, is a famous non-violence advocate who was shot to death) would agree with having Gun Appreciation Day the same weekend as MLK day because if black people were given the right to own guns from day one in our country then we probably wouldn't have had slavery. If you can't see the numerous ways in which this was an incredibly dumb thing to say, explaining it probably won't do any good. But at least he seemed to think the end of slavery was a good thing-- two of the biggest sponsors of Gun Appreciation Day are white supremacy groups.
There is the gun shop owner who posted a rant on YouTube about how angry the gun control debate was making him, and if people tried to enact gun control laws he was going to start killing people. There are the people who have liked the video. There are the people who have posted similar things on Facebook and Twitter. There are the people who talk about a "second amendment remedy" to the election results they didn't like.
The people who are against any form of restrictions on gun buying whatsoever love to point to the mental health system as the place everyone should really be focusing. "Lock all the crazy people up," they say. And then you have people like the vice president of the NRA, who told NBC if his proposal to mandate guns in schools sounds crazy, "then call me crazy."
Be careful what you wish for, sir.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Be My Guest
This week our town hosted the Utah Ballroom Dance Co. The ballroom dancers teamed up with local celebrities, practiced for a few days with them and then did a full-fledged Dancing with the Stars concert, complete with judges, videos of practices, and a giant mirror ball trophy, which our sheriff now displays proudly in his office after dancing the jive in a sailor suit. Small towns are awesome.
Anyways, we were asked to host a few of the dancers, and we're always up for hosting people who come to town for performances. When Mom mentioned it and asked if we should sign up for guys or girls, Cole said, "Ask for guys. They'll take way less time in the bathroom and maybe we'll find Jade a husband." So we ended up with four guys. I didn't find a husband, but it is true they didn't spend long in the bathroom.
We put the guys in the boys' room, which has two sets of bunk beds. It was a nice change because usually when we have company I get kicked out of my room, and then it's annoying when I want to get something out of there and people are in it. The one good thing that has come out of that is that I got a new mattress out of it once. I had been complaining for literally years that my ancient mattress was lumpy and dipped down in the middle and springs would poke out the sides and occasionally draw blood. They never listened until one night for some reason they let a guest stay in their bedroom and slept in mine instead. The next morning they didn't say, "Oh poor Jade having to sleep on that awful bed" it was "Oh my gosh, we let company sleep on that? We have to get a new one before the next time we have guests." So they bought a new bed ... and gave me the one they had been using. Still, it's much better than the one I had.
Cole was actually happy that people stayed in his room because Mom cleaned it for him while he was at school. He almost didn't recognize it when he got home because there was carpet on the floor instead of a layer of crumpled clothing and piles of torn-apart electronic devices he was scavenging parts from. When all three of the boys lived at home and my parents complained about their messy room, each of them always blamed one of the other brothers and then proclaimed with disgust that if they had their own room it would always be clean. Once people started moving in and out and each of them had their own room at some point this proved completely false. True, my own room is not perfect. But I keep the clothes on my floor in a pile next to the dresser instead of strewn across the whole floor, and they're all clean or only slightly worn. Nobody has ever walked into my room to talk to me and stepped on a pair of dirty underwear.
The rest of our house is generally fairly clean so it just took the regular cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming up the daily dose of dog hair, etc. to get it ready. Ironically if we hadn't cleaned at all it still would have probably appeared great because your average teenage/twentysomething guy isn't living in a white-glove-approved environment anyway (see above paragraph). Some of them might have actually felt more at home if we'd thrown a couple of pairs of boxer shorts on the bathroom floor.
The first night they got there, after the first of the two concerts they were doing (one was half Dancing with the Stars and half showcase and the second night was all them), we had fun talking, especially about the show and what went on backstage. Having performed numerous plays on that stage I laughed when they complained about our school's awful backstage setup (or lack thereof). I knew that the reason some of the guys didn't have their black bowties for one number was because it is extremely difficult to locate black costume pieces when you're doing quick changes in the dark, plus it's so cramped everyone else's clothes are landing on yours (one guy who was staying with us had a really hard time performing the quickstep because as soon as he rushed on stage he realized the shorts under his costume were his female partner's and not his, which is definitely a good way to severely cramp your range of motion). I also laughed when they said the stage door that lead outside kept coming open and making the side curtain go crazy until they tied it shut. Yep, done that too (sorry fire marshal).
I didn't see them the next morning because they were still asleep when I left for work, but that was fine with me because when I wake up in the mornings it's definitely not like in the movies where women pop out of bed with perfect hair and makeup each morning. I did, however, get some of the freshly baked pumpkin chocolate chip muffins my mother had prepared for them. After all, everyone knows that the whole point of having guests when you're living at home is so your mom will make extra good food.
Anyways, we were asked to host a few of the dancers, and we're always up for hosting people who come to town for performances. When Mom mentioned it and asked if we should sign up for guys or girls, Cole said, "Ask for guys. They'll take way less time in the bathroom and maybe we'll find Jade a husband." So we ended up with four guys. I didn't find a husband, but it is true they didn't spend long in the bathroom.
We put the guys in the boys' room, which has two sets of bunk beds. It was a nice change because usually when we have company I get kicked out of my room, and then it's annoying when I want to get something out of there and people are in it. The one good thing that has come out of that is that I got a new mattress out of it once. I had been complaining for literally years that my ancient mattress was lumpy and dipped down in the middle and springs would poke out the sides and occasionally draw blood. They never listened until one night for some reason they let a guest stay in their bedroom and slept in mine instead. The next morning they didn't say, "Oh poor Jade having to sleep on that awful bed" it was "Oh my gosh, we let company sleep on that? We have to get a new one before the next time we have guests." So they bought a new bed ... and gave me the one they had been using. Still, it's much better than the one I had.
Cole was actually happy that people stayed in his room because Mom cleaned it for him while he was at school. He almost didn't recognize it when he got home because there was carpet on the floor instead of a layer of crumpled clothing and piles of torn-apart electronic devices he was scavenging parts from. When all three of the boys lived at home and my parents complained about their messy room, each of them always blamed one of the other brothers and then proclaimed with disgust that if they had their own room it would always be clean. Once people started moving in and out and each of them had their own room at some point this proved completely false. True, my own room is not perfect. But I keep the clothes on my floor in a pile next to the dresser instead of strewn across the whole floor, and they're all clean or only slightly worn. Nobody has ever walked into my room to talk to me and stepped on a pair of dirty underwear.
The rest of our house is generally fairly clean so it just took the regular cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming up the daily dose of dog hair, etc. to get it ready. Ironically if we hadn't cleaned at all it still would have probably appeared great because your average teenage/twentysomething guy isn't living in a white-glove-approved environment anyway (see above paragraph). Some of them might have actually felt more at home if we'd thrown a couple of pairs of boxer shorts on the bathroom floor.
The first night they got there, after the first of the two concerts they were doing (one was half Dancing with the Stars and half showcase and the second night was all them), we had fun talking, especially about the show and what went on backstage. Having performed numerous plays on that stage I laughed when they complained about our school's awful backstage setup (or lack thereof). I knew that the reason some of the guys didn't have their black bowties for one number was because it is extremely difficult to locate black costume pieces when you're doing quick changes in the dark, plus it's so cramped everyone else's clothes are landing on yours (one guy who was staying with us had a really hard time performing the quickstep because as soon as he rushed on stage he realized the shorts under his costume were his female partner's and not his, which is definitely a good way to severely cramp your range of motion). I also laughed when they said the stage door that lead outside kept coming open and making the side curtain go crazy until they tied it shut. Yep, done that too (sorry fire marshal).
I didn't see them the next morning because they were still asleep when I left for work, but that was fine with me because when I wake up in the mornings it's definitely not like in the movies where women pop out of bed with perfect hair and makeup each morning. I did, however, get some of the freshly baked pumpkin chocolate chip muffins my mother had prepared for them. After all, everyone knows that the whole point of having guests when you're living at home is so your mom will make extra good food.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
But it's tradition...
Christmas was quite fun this year, with all six of us home for what will probably be the only year in the middle of six years' worth of missions.
Our family gets really into Christmas, with all sorts of traditions. Some of them are unintentional, like the yearly argument at the Christmas tree farm over which of the trees on the hill is actually the tallest, but most of them are on purpose. For example, when we decorate the Christmas tree we take a trip down memory lane with the brass ornaments. Everywhere we go we collect them as souvenirs. Most of them have certain people who have to put them up because of the story attached.
Logan has to put up the one for the Badlands because he became a Junior Ranger there after knocking over an entire Western-themed puppet show display while trying to use his puppet to bite the ear of a girl he thought was cute. He was five. He also has to put the Portland Zoo one up in memory of when a bird pooped on his head and then Mom tried to use hand sanitizer to get it out of his hair, which just made it way worse. Dad has to put the one from Vancouver up because he was climbing over a tree in the park and split his pants. Lance has to put the one from Seattle up because he came within two inches of being hit by a half a dead rat a hawk lost its grip on. And so on. For some reason all of our best family vacation memories seem to involve laughing hysterically at one family member's misfortune.
On Christmas Eve our family spends the day making and decorating sugar cookies to deliver to friends around town. Now that we are older Dad doesn't have to race to decorate as many cookies as he can before we get to them. Even Logan is good at decorating at them now. We used to give him the reindeer to decorate every year and then when all of the plates were delivered say "Ooops, how could we forget to put the reindeer in there again this year?"
After we are done delivering the cookies we go out to eat. When we lived in Iowa the only thing in town that was open on Christmas Eve was Burger King. When we moved here and had more options Cole insisted for years that we keep going to Burger King because it was tradition. We tried to tell him that eating at Burger King on Christmas Eve was a weird tradition and he finally believed us one year when the girl behind the counter was talking loudly on her cell phone and saying "Yeah, I wish I could go home but we have to wait for this family who is still eating here. What kind of people eat at Burger King for dinner on Christmas Eve?" Now we eat at Denny's and Cole is like "Why didn't we start doing this sooner?"
When we come home all of us kids sleep on the floor in the boys' room with the door shut while Santa comes. We have our yearly Christmas Eve confessional in which we tell each other all the things that happened this year that we don't want Mom and Dad to know about, that involve things like members of the opposite gender and law enforcement and stories with content not appropriate for sharing in front of one's mother. This year we talked about [censored because Mom and Dad read this blog]. We didn't go to sleep until midnight and then Lance, who got stuck sleeping on the end and with a crocheted afghan, woke me up at 4:30 a.m. to beg to share my blankets and inform me that whoever thought it would be a good idea to make blankets with holes in them should be shot.
When we opened Christmas presents (at 5:00 a.m. instead of a civilized adult time like 8:00) we did what we normally do, which is keep rotating youngest to oldest and when it is your turn you pick out a present to give to someone else and everyone watches them open it. I think the best reaction this year was when Cole opened his racket stringer, which he thought he wouldn't get because it's more than Santa normally spends on gifts. He was like a five year old on Christmas morning, albeit a five year old who can talk nonstop for fifteen minutes straight about the difference between synthetic gut and big banger strings and the benefits of hybrid rackets before we can get a word in edgewise to tell him it's his turn to pick out a gift.
Years ago our parents decided we were getting too greedy about Christmas and announced that the amount of money for Christmas presents was being cut way back and we had to make each person in the family a gift. Over the years the homemade presents have continued in addition to buying gifts, although now they are usually more humorous than useful. I think my favorite this year was when Logan opened a CD from Lance. When he put it in we discovered it was a recording of Ducksauce's "Barbara Streisand" except instead of Barbara Streisand the guy says "Logan's sexy." I'm pretty sure it's what he listens to every morning when he wakes up now.
On Christmas night we open our stockings, which have letters from each member of the family in them. We take bets on whose letter will make Mom cry first.
Somehow the other holidays just aren't as fun.
Our family gets really into Christmas, with all sorts of traditions. Some of them are unintentional, like the yearly argument at the Christmas tree farm over which of the trees on the hill is actually the tallest, but most of them are on purpose. For example, when we decorate the Christmas tree we take a trip down memory lane with the brass ornaments. Everywhere we go we collect them as souvenirs. Most of them have certain people who have to put them up because of the story attached.
Logan has to put up the one for the Badlands because he became a Junior Ranger there after knocking over an entire Western-themed puppet show display while trying to use his puppet to bite the ear of a girl he thought was cute. He was five. He also has to put the Portland Zoo one up in memory of when a bird pooped on his head and then Mom tried to use hand sanitizer to get it out of his hair, which just made it way worse. Dad has to put the one from Vancouver up because he was climbing over a tree in the park and split his pants. Lance has to put the one from Seattle up because he came within two inches of being hit by a half a dead rat a hawk lost its grip on. And so on. For some reason all of our best family vacation memories seem to involve laughing hysterically at one family member's misfortune.
On Christmas Eve our family spends the day making and decorating sugar cookies to deliver to friends around town. Now that we are older Dad doesn't have to race to decorate as many cookies as he can before we get to them. Even Logan is good at decorating at them now. We used to give him the reindeer to decorate every year and then when all of the plates were delivered say "Ooops, how could we forget to put the reindeer in there again this year?"
After we are done delivering the cookies we go out to eat. When we lived in Iowa the only thing in town that was open on Christmas Eve was Burger King. When we moved here and had more options Cole insisted for years that we keep going to Burger King because it was tradition. We tried to tell him that eating at Burger King on Christmas Eve was a weird tradition and he finally believed us one year when the girl behind the counter was talking loudly on her cell phone and saying "Yeah, I wish I could go home but we have to wait for this family who is still eating here. What kind of people eat at Burger King for dinner on Christmas Eve?" Now we eat at Denny's and Cole is like "Why didn't we start doing this sooner?"
When we come home all of us kids sleep on the floor in the boys' room with the door shut while Santa comes. We have our yearly Christmas Eve confessional in which we tell each other all the things that happened this year that we don't want Mom and Dad to know about, that involve things like members of the opposite gender and law enforcement and stories with content not appropriate for sharing in front of one's mother. This year we talked about [censored because Mom and Dad read this blog]. We didn't go to sleep until midnight and then Lance, who got stuck sleeping on the end and with a crocheted afghan, woke me up at 4:30 a.m. to beg to share my blankets and inform me that whoever thought it would be a good idea to make blankets with holes in them should be shot.
When we opened Christmas presents (at 5:00 a.m. instead of a civilized adult time like 8:00) we did what we normally do, which is keep rotating youngest to oldest and when it is your turn you pick out a present to give to someone else and everyone watches them open it. I think the best reaction this year was when Cole opened his racket stringer, which he thought he wouldn't get because it's more than Santa normally spends on gifts. He was like a five year old on Christmas morning, albeit a five year old who can talk nonstop for fifteen minutes straight about the difference between synthetic gut and big banger strings and the benefits of hybrid rackets before we can get a word in edgewise to tell him it's his turn to pick out a gift.
Years ago our parents decided we were getting too greedy about Christmas and announced that the amount of money for Christmas presents was being cut way back and we had to make each person in the family a gift. Over the years the homemade presents have continued in addition to buying gifts, although now they are usually more humorous than useful. I think my favorite this year was when Logan opened a CD from Lance. When he put it in we discovered it was a recording of Ducksauce's "Barbara Streisand" except instead of Barbara Streisand the guy says "Logan's sexy." I'm pretty sure it's what he listens to every morning when he wakes up now.
On Christmas night we open our stockings, which have letters from each member of the family in them. We take bets on whose letter will make Mom cry first.
Somehow the other holidays just aren't as fun.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
To the editor
I was looking through my old files on my laptop today and came across the following gem from when I was opinion editor in college. I think I was really bored with studying and was going to do it as a blog post and upon second thought decided not to, possibly because I didn't want to get myself into hot water for publicly mocking readers. But I don't work there anymore so here it is:
I leave in New Jersey. Am disturbed by the staff of the Daily Universe. The Daily Universe has gone astray! What a waste of ink and paper. On today's (Sept. 21st) issue of the Daily Universe there is a glaring error that would cost someone their job as an editor in the real world. I sincerely hope the editor didn't think that because both stories involved cars they should go next to each other. The author merely took her gut reaction and ran with it, which constitutes shoddy journalism at best. To write an article like this and not get the simple facts down is embarrassing to the "journalist". Learn from this mistake and just remember next time you do that, it could cost you your job. Just wanted to bring this to your attention, as others in my office were similarly offended. Thanks for devaluing my CV just a little bit more this week. I don't think I am asking too much for the Daily Universe to print an apology. Is BYU a real university? Just wandering.
Say a suspected terrorist doesn’t want to cooperate with the government, why don’t they just Jack Bauer him/her? You never hear about “massacres in the gun shop”. The Doctrine and Covenants justifies this people in "befriending" The Constitution (D&C 98:6), and you have all but declared it an enemy. Opinion: To his admirers, Glenn Beck has been a voice crying in the wilderness, a prophet who warns us that we have been wandering in darkness too long. Fact: bears eat beets. Failure to acknowledge the role this issue plays in American political policy is immensely coarse. I can't help but see the resemblance between the recent actions of Senator Harry Reid and the actions of Fredo in the film the Godfather.
Honesty is taking a punch to the stomach every time we enter the testing center. The incredible unethical power of “none of the above” has taken its toll. The bookstore offers a simple solution to the women who don’t meet their standards of perfection: buy our stuff, and quickly get the educational and spiritual understanding you lack. I saw a kid in a Boise State t-shirt today. I wanted to punch him in the gut and then barf on his face. When I see a kid in another college’s shirt it makes me want to go to McDonald’s, order everything on the menu, and try to eat it all in one sitting.
Cut it out with the Jimmer worship. Last time I checked, idol worship was very much frowned upon in the scriptures. Eventually I noted the futility of arguing with BYU fans so I decided to write The Daily Universe in the hope that someone there could stop the madness running rampant through our campus. Even though I do not partake of Jimmer worship, I will not stop anyone who chooses to serve Jimmer. Your comments were highly offensive to those of the Jimmer faith. Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways. My roommates and I have decided we will no longer pray toward Glens Falls.
I would like to take a moment to tell everyone about spinach smoothies. Who doesn’t need another pair of hot high heels, right? High heels never made anyone suicidal. Next time, I throw eggs. I think it's an important mating ritual for the LDS male, similar to a peacock's stunning display of plumage. At first I had the absurd notion that you were spreading cake batter all over your arms and hands, the smell reminding me of my favorite flavor at Cold Stone. Am I the only one that's really bothered by the posters exhorting us to celebrate our "culture of honor"? If we really wanted to get students more excited, we may want to permit alcohol inside the stadium and inside the students.
Happy Columbus Day! By the way, thanks for slaughtering my people. Everyone was enjoying a nice Columbus Day only to be confronted with implications of genocide (guised as “awareness”) directed towards them. Should the “white man” always hold the “red man” accountable for the genocide of the Nephites? Since BYU naturally attracts students of diverse nationalities, many foreign authors of letters published in the Readers’ Forum have perspectives on the United States that are informed extensively by their non-American cultures. America needs no criticism. The well-known businessman Michael Scott once said “if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.” Today I say to the Brigham Young University student body, “if you are an underachiever, I will attack you with cougars.”
Do we really want our future leaders listening to Lady Gaga for advice? I, frankly, am surprised this discrepancy has been allowed to continue for so long and hope to hear of changes sooner rather than later. Harold B. Lee Library, I exhort you to purge yourself of the vile and nefarious literature that you harbor within your walls.
“God, if BYU wins the national championship,” she pleaded, “I will take it as a sign that it is Thy will that I attend that school for graduate studies.” That was the only year BYU has taken the title of national champion. I was shocked. In my dream world, the crowd would faithfully cheer-on the Cougars no matter how the game was going, and politely accept even the worst calls made by the referees, or the most blatant oversights made by the team.
The word is officially out: There are some hot girls that work at the testing center, goodness! Out of the 150 or so girls that came out, I counted only 7 that were wearing shorts, skirts or dresses of the appropriate length. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll confirm that I’ve never ogled in my life. Ladies, it’s fine if you want to wear your gigantic moon boots and obnoxious head flowers, just remember that following the latest fashion trends isn’t worth sacrificing your integrity.
To all you doubters with legs on both sides of the fence, you better evaluate your testimony and make some necessary changes or you might just find yourself without enough oil in your lamp. I am sorry if you feel left out that noone texts you I would be happy to send you a text every now and then to make you feel good or you could text one of those ads that are on late at night. Please get a life or a girlfriend or both! Do you really think that Celine Dion transposed into a minor key and played uptempo is proving to the world that they are Mozart in an unappreciated form? Honestly, I think most of the opinions expressed in the opinion section are silly.
I would like to withdraw my article from the consideration
for
The following is a mashup of actual lines from letters to the editor
I’ve received this semester, printed with amusing typos included. These are
from legitimate letters to the editor by BYU students and faculty only, not the
really nutty ones I used to get from people like the guy from Salt Lake convinced the "Mormon CIA" kept deleting his blog. I also
excluded poetry and letters I felt were offensively sacrilegious. Enjoy, and don’t
judge all the normal people at BYU too harshly for it.
To all Lebron Haters:
I leave in New Jersey. Am disturbed by the staff of the Daily Universe. The Daily Universe has gone astray! What a waste of ink and paper. On today's (Sept. 21st) issue of the Daily Universe there is a glaring error that would cost someone their job as an editor in the real world. I sincerely hope the editor didn't think that because both stories involved cars they should go next to each other. The author merely took her gut reaction and ran with it, which constitutes shoddy journalism at best. To write an article like this and not get the simple facts down is embarrassing to the "journalist". Learn from this mistake and just remember next time you do that, it could cost you your job. Just wanted to bring this to your attention, as others in my office were similarly offended. Thanks for devaluing my CV just a little bit more this week. I don't think I am asking too much for the Daily Universe to print an apology. Is BYU a real university? Just wandering.
Say a suspected terrorist doesn’t want to cooperate with the government, why don’t they just Jack Bauer him/her? You never hear about “massacres in the gun shop”. The Doctrine and Covenants justifies this people in "befriending" The Constitution (D&C 98:6), and you have all but declared it an enemy. Opinion: To his admirers, Glenn Beck has been a voice crying in the wilderness, a prophet who warns us that we have been wandering in darkness too long. Fact: bears eat beets. Failure to acknowledge the role this issue plays in American political policy is immensely coarse. I can't help but see the resemblance between the recent actions of Senator Harry Reid and the actions of Fredo in the film the Godfather.
Honesty is taking a punch to the stomach every time we enter the testing center. The incredible unethical power of “none of the above” has taken its toll. The bookstore offers a simple solution to the women who don’t meet their standards of perfection: buy our stuff, and quickly get the educational and spiritual understanding you lack. I saw a kid in a Boise State t-shirt today. I wanted to punch him in the gut and then barf on his face. When I see a kid in another college’s shirt it makes me want to go to McDonald’s, order everything on the menu, and try to eat it all in one sitting.
I would like to take a moment to tell everyone about spinach smoothies. Who doesn’t need another pair of hot high heels, right? High heels never made anyone suicidal. Next time, I throw eggs. I think it's an important mating ritual for the LDS male, similar to a peacock's stunning display of plumage. At first I had the absurd notion that you were spreading cake batter all over your arms and hands, the smell reminding me of my favorite flavor at Cold Stone. Am I the only one that's really bothered by the posters exhorting us to celebrate our "culture of honor"? If we really wanted to get students more excited, we may want to permit alcohol inside the stadium and inside the students.
Happy Columbus Day! By the way, thanks for slaughtering my people. Everyone was enjoying a nice Columbus Day only to be confronted with implications of genocide (guised as “awareness”) directed towards them. Should the “white man” always hold the “red man” accountable for the genocide of the Nephites? Since BYU naturally attracts students of diverse nationalities, many foreign authors of letters published in the Readers’ Forum have perspectives on the United States that are informed extensively by their non-American cultures. America needs no criticism. The well-known businessman Michael Scott once said “if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North.” Today I say to the Brigham Young University student body, “if you are an underachiever, I will attack you with cougars.”
Do we really want our future leaders listening to Lady Gaga for advice? I, frankly, am surprised this discrepancy has been allowed to continue for so long and hope to hear of changes sooner rather than later. Harold B. Lee Library, I exhort you to purge yourself of the vile and nefarious literature that you harbor within your walls.
“God, if BYU wins the national championship,” she pleaded, “I will take it as a sign that it is Thy will that I attend that school for graduate studies.” That was the only year BYU has taken the title of national champion. I was shocked. In my dream world, the crowd would faithfully cheer-on the Cougars no matter how the game was going, and politely accept even the worst calls made by the referees, or the most blatant oversights made by the team.
The word is officially out: There are some hot girls that work at the testing center, goodness! Out of the 150 or so girls that came out, I counted only 7 that were wearing shorts, skirts or dresses of the appropriate length. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll confirm that I’ve never ogled in my life. Ladies, it’s fine if you want to wear your gigantic moon boots and obnoxious head flowers, just remember that following the latest fashion trends isn’t worth sacrificing your integrity.
To all you doubters with legs on both sides of the fence, you better evaluate your testimony and make some necessary changes or you might just find yourself without enough oil in your lamp. I am sorry if you feel left out that noone texts you I would be happy to send you a text every now and then to make you feel good or you could text one of those ads that are on late at night. Please get a life or a girlfriend or both! Do you really think that Celine Dion transposed into a minor key and played uptempo is proving to the world that they are Mozart in an unappreciated form? Honestly, I think most of the opinions expressed in the opinion section are silly.
Signed,
Poker Face
Dear Letter to the Editor,
publication. I wrote
this at a time when I was upset and reading it
now shows me that it was a foolish thing to send in. I would
once
again ask that this letter not be printed ever. Thank you.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
It was all an experiment by the Chinese
This is the time of year that TV networks usually start announcing which of their shows are getting the ax, and as usual one of my favorite new shows is getting cancelled. I don't know why I ever bother to start watching thrillers with a good hook like Last Resort, because they always get cancelled and then I never get to find out who was behind whatever the mystery was and how the person who was in peril in the final episode gets out of the situation. And it drives me crazy. Remember Flash Forward? Yeah, I'm still wondering about that one.
How hard would it be for the writers of cancelled shows to put a summary online of what would have happened next? "Dear loyal fans: The secretary was the mole. The hot guy survives by climbing down a previously unnoticed elevator shaft but he is too late to save his girlfriend from blowing up. And it was all a secret experiment by the Chinese."
My very favorite shows, quirky and somewhat nerd-friendly comedies like Community and Chuck, tend to be cancelled and then uncancelled and the renewed for "just a few more episodes" for about four or five seasons before they actually die a death so completely that even rabidly devoted fans of the trekkie variety can't scare the network into continuing them. I think that's part of why they end up being so good-- the writers understand that whole "live every day like it's your last" mentality and throw the formulas out the window. "Yeah boss, we know the hero isn't supposed to overcome the major baddie until the season finale, but we felt like blowing him up today. You're cancelling us anyway so what do you care?"
But most people don't appreciate episodes of shows that revolve around chaos theory or computer hacking marathons or Tron. NBC, home to many critically adored but low-rated shows, said they are changing their comedy brand to appeal to a broader audience. They say they are going to do that by coming up with "totally unique" show ideas, but who are they kidding? Broad audiences don't like unique ideas, they like the CSI or NCIS or Law and Order teams to solve the crime every single week. They also don't like their humor about unique topics. They like it to go something like this: "Sex! Giggle giggle." Obviously the only difference between middle school boy humor and "adult" humor is experience. And lately bigotry also seems to be doing well. Apparently if it's a made-up character instead of a real-life politician or pundit who said it, it's called edgy humor instead of an outrage.
Of course, there are always some surprises. I thought Modern Family's zingy one-liners and subtle jokes (Stella!!!) might be too smart to survive, but it's a smash hit. And Go On is doing fairly well, even though it's on NBC. Who knew that so many other people would find a show about a guy whose wife died going to therapy with a bunch of other people who also had terrible things happen to them so hilarious?
Maybe there is hope for American television after all.
How hard would it be for the writers of cancelled shows to put a summary online of what would have happened next? "Dear loyal fans: The secretary was the mole. The hot guy survives by climbing down a previously unnoticed elevator shaft but he is too late to save his girlfriend from blowing up. And it was all a secret experiment by the Chinese."
My very favorite shows, quirky and somewhat nerd-friendly comedies like Community and Chuck, tend to be cancelled and then uncancelled and the renewed for "just a few more episodes" for about four or five seasons before they actually die a death so completely that even rabidly devoted fans of the trekkie variety can't scare the network into continuing them. I think that's part of why they end up being so good-- the writers understand that whole "live every day like it's your last" mentality and throw the formulas out the window. "Yeah boss, we know the hero isn't supposed to overcome the major baddie until the season finale, but we felt like blowing him up today. You're cancelling us anyway so what do you care?"
But most people don't appreciate episodes of shows that revolve around chaos theory or computer hacking marathons or Tron. NBC, home to many critically adored but low-rated shows, said they are changing their comedy brand to appeal to a broader audience. They say they are going to do that by coming up with "totally unique" show ideas, but who are they kidding? Broad audiences don't like unique ideas, they like the CSI or NCIS or Law and Order teams to solve the crime every single week. They also don't like their humor about unique topics. They like it to go something like this: "Sex! Giggle giggle." Obviously the only difference between middle school boy humor and "adult" humor is experience. And lately bigotry also seems to be doing well. Apparently if it's a made-up character instead of a real-life politician or pundit who said it, it's called edgy humor instead of an outrage.
Of course, there are always some surprises. I thought Modern Family's zingy one-liners and subtle jokes (Stella!!!) might be too smart to survive, but it's a smash hit. And Go On is doing fairly well, even though it's on NBC. Who knew that so many other people would find a show about a guy whose wife died going to therapy with a bunch of other people who also had terrible things happen to them so hilarious?
Maybe there is hope for American television after all.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Ten reasons to buy a newspaper
As a journalist, people seem to think I know everything. It's pretty common for people to start a sentence with, "You work for the newspaper, so you know everything, so I'll bet you can tell me why ..." Here is a little secret: You, too, could "know everything," for the amazingly low price of whatever your local newspaper charges for a subscription.
I'm always amazed at the number of bright people I know who can talk at length about presidential politics but have no clue about things going on in their own town that affect them directly. It gets really annoying when people are like "Wait I can't do what anymore?! We have to go complain and get them to change their minds! You need to write a story about how unfair that is!" when I already wrote like a billion articles about public hearings on the issue back before a decision was made. Everyone has been complaining this year that the school district is making elementary school kids who live within a mile radius of their school walk to school. Guess who wrote a story about that decision months before it went into effect? Me.
Here are some of the other reasons you should (shameless self-promotion alert) subscribe to the local newspaper wherever you live:
1) So you know how your tax money is being wasted, whether it's buying expensive equipment that will rarely be used, creating an extra position for the spouse of a current employee, sending people to trainings on on the east coast for things they should already know how to do or paying more than your annual salary to a consultant who will tell them a) what they already know, b) something anyone on the street could have told them in five seconds, or c) something that will prove to be completely inaccurate down the road. My next job is going to be as a consultant so I, too, can be presented with a large check in return for a report containing the number I got after handing my calculator to a three year old to play with, combined with the fortune from my last fortune cookie and whatever my magic eight ball told me. "Well, madam chair, based on my calculations 10,978 people will vote for the bond measure. If you embark on a journey you will find a pleasant surprise awaits, meaning that if you go out for a bond the chances of it passing are definitely yes."
2) So your entertainment life consists of more than watching TV and going to the movies. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Wow, I really wish I had known about that event because I totally would have gone. Why didn't they advertise it more?" and we had put a preview story on the community page and had it in our entertainment listings and carried paid advertising ... I could buy myself a few gallons of ice cream at the very least. People who say there is nothing to do in their town obviously don't read the newspaper, because there are so many concerts, dances, forums, fundraisers, sporting events, poetry readings, book signings, documentary screenings, bands playing in bars, talent shows, guest lectures, contests, holiday parties and other events--many of them free or a couple of dollars--that sometimes we don't have room for them all.
3) So you know when people are dead. Seriously. More than once I've talked to someone who doesn't read the obituaries who was shocked to find out someone like a business owner or former teacher had been dead for several weeks. It can lead to awkward situations, like when someone I know asked a co-worker how their weekend was and the person said "Umm... I guess you didn't hear my [fill in the blank with a close relative] was murdered this weekend." Trust me, it's worth a few bucks a month to avoid that.
4) So you know what people you know got arrested. Proofreading the police beat often produces statements from people in our office like "So that's why my mechanic wasn't in yesterday when I went to get my oil changed!" You also might want to know if your neighbor was arrested for public indecency, if the babysitter you use most often was charged with driving under the influence or if there has been a pattern of burglaries in your neighborhood. There are also some entries that are pure entertainment, like the man who stumbled up to the road with broken bones and asked to be taken to the hospital because he had fallen down a cliff. He wasn't wearing any underwear or pants. When police searched the area they discovered a pair of women's underwear and other women's clothing. That must have been a tough choice...
5) So you know which people not to talk politics with. Sometimes people who otherwise seem totally normal can write letters to the editor containing some pretty out-there opinions. Letters to the editor can produce all sorts of insights, like which of your neighbors are in favor of legalizing marijuana because they smoke it all the time and they're fine.
6) So you can stop being curious about why all those police cars rushed past your house this morning. Chances are good a reporter rushed past right after them and took stalker photos from across the street, so you'll have a nice shot of the accident or the armed standoff to appease your curiosity.
7) So you know who to vote for. In the last election, the county commission candidate for our county who won the primary run-off by a landslide lost in the general election. Why? It might be because we published a story in which he admitted upon confrontation that he has a side job as an unlicensed, unbonded contractor who often doesn't get permits for his work either.
8) So you know about new rules and regulations. We tell people when the city council is putting together a city ordinance to ban yard sale signs or to make everyone who sells things to a consignment store get fingerprinted or to ban burn barrels in the city limits so it's not a surprise when the fire department shows up to tell you that you have to dump the yard waste you're in the process of burning out of the barrel or they will put it out.
9) So you know lots of weird stories and facts to bring up when the conversation around you is dying. For example, a local farmer owns a camel and the camel loves Wheat Thins more than anything, so they're trying to get Wheat Thins to feature their camel in a commercial. If a tomb guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier ever fumbles his rifle, stumbles or messes up in any other way while on duty his bags will be packed for him by the time he gets back. And the local animal control officer who just retired said one of his worst nights on the job was when a drunk guy got rushed to the hospital after being bitten by his pet cobra and the animal control guy spent the next couple of hours rounding up the rest of the poisonous snakes loose in the house.
10) So I don't have to become a public relations person.
I'm always amazed at the number of bright people I know who can talk at length about presidential politics but have no clue about things going on in their own town that affect them directly. It gets really annoying when people are like "Wait I can't do what anymore?! We have to go complain and get them to change their minds! You need to write a story about how unfair that is!" when I already wrote like a billion articles about public hearings on the issue back before a decision was made. Everyone has been complaining this year that the school district is making elementary school kids who live within a mile radius of their school walk to school. Guess who wrote a story about that decision months before it went into effect? Me.
Here are some of the other reasons you should (shameless self-promotion alert) subscribe to the local newspaper wherever you live:
1) So you know how your tax money is being wasted, whether it's buying expensive equipment that will rarely be used, creating an extra position for the spouse of a current employee, sending people to trainings on on the east coast for things they should already know how to do or paying more than your annual salary to a consultant who will tell them a) what they already know, b) something anyone on the street could have told them in five seconds, or c) something that will prove to be completely inaccurate down the road. My next job is going to be as a consultant so I, too, can be presented with a large check in return for a report containing the number I got after handing my calculator to a three year old to play with, combined with the fortune from my last fortune cookie and whatever my magic eight ball told me. "Well, madam chair, based on my calculations 10,978 people will vote for the bond measure. If you embark on a journey you will find a pleasant surprise awaits, meaning that if you go out for a bond the chances of it passing are definitely yes."
2) So your entertainment life consists of more than watching TV and going to the movies. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Wow, I really wish I had known about that event because I totally would have gone. Why didn't they advertise it more?" and we had put a preview story on the community page and had it in our entertainment listings and carried paid advertising ... I could buy myself a few gallons of ice cream at the very least. People who say there is nothing to do in their town obviously don't read the newspaper, because there are so many concerts, dances, forums, fundraisers, sporting events, poetry readings, book signings, documentary screenings, bands playing in bars, talent shows, guest lectures, contests, holiday parties and other events--many of them free or a couple of dollars--that sometimes we don't have room for them all.
3) So you know when people are dead. Seriously. More than once I've talked to someone who doesn't read the obituaries who was shocked to find out someone like a business owner or former teacher had been dead for several weeks. It can lead to awkward situations, like when someone I know asked a co-worker how their weekend was and the person said "Umm... I guess you didn't hear my [fill in the blank with a close relative] was murdered this weekend." Trust me, it's worth a few bucks a month to avoid that.
4) So you know what people you know got arrested. Proofreading the police beat often produces statements from people in our office like "So that's why my mechanic wasn't in yesterday when I went to get my oil changed!" You also might want to know if your neighbor was arrested for public indecency, if the babysitter you use most often was charged with driving under the influence or if there has been a pattern of burglaries in your neighborhood. There are also some entries that are pure entertainment, like the man who stumbled up to the road with broken bones and asked to be taken to the hospital because he had fallen down a cliff. He wasn't wearing any underwear or pants. When police searched the area they discovered a pair of women's underwear and other women's clothing. That must have been a tough choice...
5) So you know which people not to talk politics with. Sometimes people who otherwise seem totally normal can write letters to the editor containing some pretty out-there opinions. Letters to the editor can produce all sorts of insights, like which of your neighbors are in favor of legalizing marijuana because they smoke it all the time and they're fine.
6) So you can stop being curious about why all those police cars rushed past your house this morning. Chances are good a reporter rushed past right after them and took stalker photos from across the street, so you'll have a nice shot of the accident or the armed standoff to appease your curiosity.
7) So you know who to vote for. In the last election, the county commission candidate for our county who won the primary run-off by a landslide lost in the general election. Why? It might be because we published a story in which he admitted upon confrontation that he has a side job as an unlicensed, unbonded contractor who often doesn't get permits for his work either.
8) So you know about new rules and regulations. We tell people when the city council is putting together a city ordinance to ban yard sale signs or to make everyone who sells things to a consignment store get fingerprinted or to ban burn barrels in the city limits so it's not a surprise when the fire department shows up to tell you that you have to dump the yard waste you're in the process of burning out of the barrel or they will put it out.
9) So you know lots of weird stories and facts to bring up when the conversation around you is dying. For example, a local farmer owns a camel and the camel loves Wheat Thins more than anything, so they're trying to get Wheat Thins to feature their camel in a commercial. If a tomb guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier ever fumbles his rifle, stumbles or messes up in any other way while on duty his bags will be packed for him by the time he gets back. And the local animal control officer who just retired said one of his worst nights on the job was when a drunk guy got rushed to the hospital after being bitten by his pet cobra and the animal control guy spent the next couple of hours rounding up the rest of the poisonous snakes loose in the house.
10) So I don't have to become a public relations person.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
A world without microwaves
I guess I haven't blogged for a while. I've been too busy to spend a very big chunk of time on the computer lately. Besides, sometimes when I get home from work and I had a day where I was staring at a computer screen all day I don't really feel like more technology.
Not that I want less technology. I remembered that when our Internet and email went out at work on deadline a couple of weeks ago. That was fun. We had to go around town and collect things like the police report, obits, etc. that we would normally be pulling off of email and then retype them. Meanwhile someone was going home and downloading things like political cartoons and syndicated columns onto a flash drive.
I don't know how journalists did it before email and Facebook and everybody and their dog having a website. I can tell you I would have spent waaay more time on the phone (I hate talking on the phone) because I would have had to call back people I had interviewed to check with them on things like "What was your official title again?" or "What is your wife's name?" Now I can just Google them or look them up on Facebook, which is so much better, especially if they aren't answering the phone and the story is due in half an hour. Stalking beats talking.
Come to think of it, I don't know how people did a lot of things today's technology. What would happen if you were meeting up with someone who was saving you a seat in a stadium or you split up at the mall and needed to meet back up? I'm pretty sure some of the old people that you see walking around by themselves are still trying to meet up with their high school friends they couldn't find because they couldn't text them to ask where they were sitting. The ones who are sitting down are probably still waiting for someone that they were supposed to meet up with who couldn't call their cell phone to tell them they weren't coming after all.
Or what about when people couldn't TiVo shows or look them up on Hulu? You would have to be home at the same time every week or you would miss episodes and you wouldn't be able to look up a recap online. It would be so confusing. Lost would have been cancelled after the first season.
I'm also grateful for digital cameras. It's nice to be able to take ten pictures of the same thing without worrying about wasting film, and it's great that you can see right then and there if the photo turned out. Back in the days of film, you had wait until you finished up the role of film and got it developed before knowing whether or not your 16th birthday will be forever represented by a photo of you with your eyes closed.
I don't know what people did without microwaves, either. Sure, you could use one of those popper machines to make popcorn and you could make food with actual ingredients instead of a TV dinner with unidentifiable blobs of food that look nothing like the picture on the box. But what about reheating leftovers? If you wanted to zap some leftover waffles for a snack or melt some cheese over a leftover roll you would have to wait fifteen minutes for the oven to preheat, put it in a metal pan and wait for it to cook. And then it would be overdone instead of merely warm.
I also wonder how people dealt with the seemingly primal human urge to figuratively shout "Look at me! I exist!" without blogging, Facebook, and Twitter. How would you all know what I think about microwave dinners if I couldn't blog? How could I know people "like" the fact that I got paint in my hair? If someone has an opinion and they don't post it on Twitter, does the opinion matter?
So yeah, I definitely wouldn't want to live before all this wonderful technology. Although there would be perks to going without it until after the election season. I can imagine how past generations did without political chain emails...
Not that I want less technology. I remembered that when our Internet and email went out at work on deadline a couple of weeks ago. That was fun. We had to go around town and collect things like the police report, obits, etc. that we would normally be pulling off of email and then retype them. Meanwhile someone was going home and downloading things like political cartoons and syndicated columns onto a flash drive.
I don't know how journalists did it before email and Facebook and everybody and their dog having a website. I can tell you I would have spent waaay more time on the phone (I hate talking on the phone) because I would have had to call back people I had interviewed to check with them on things like "What was your official title again?" or "What is your wife's name?" Now I can just Google them or look them up on Facebook, which is so much better, especially if they aren't answering the phone and the story is due in half an hour. Stalking beats talking.
Come to think of it, I don't know how people did a lot of things today's technology. What would happen if you were meeting up with someone who was saving you a seat in a stadium or you split up at the mall and needed to meet back up? I'm pretty sure some of the old people that you see walking around by themselves are still trying to meet up with their high school friends they couldn't find because they couldn't text them to ask where they were sitting. The ones who are sitting down are probably still waiting for someone that they were supposed to meet up with who couldn't call their cell phone to tell them they weren't coming after all.
Or what about when people couldn't TiVo shows or look them up on Hulu? You would have to be home at the same time every week or you would miss episodes and you wouldn't be able to look up a recap online. It would be so confusing. Lost would have been cancelled after the first season.
I'm also grateful for digital cameras. It's nice to be able to take ten pictures of the same thing without worrying about wasting film, and it's great that you can see right then and there if the photo turned out. Back in the days of film, you had wait until you finished up the role of film and got it developed before knowing whether or not your 16th birthday will be forever represented by a photo of you with your eyes closed.
I don't know what people did without microwaves, either. Sure, you could use one of those popper machines to make popcorn and you could make food with actual ingredients instead of a TV dinner with unidentifiable blobs of food that look nothing like the picture on the box. But what about reheating leftovers? If you wanted to zap some leftover waffles for a snack or melt some cheese over a leftover roll you would have to wait fifteen minutes for the oven to preheat, put it in a metal pan and wait for it to cook. And then it would be overdone instead of merely warm.
I also wonder how people dealt with the seemingly primal human urge to figuratively shout "Look at me! I exist!" without blogging, Facebook, and Twitter. How would you all know what I think about microwave dinners if I couldn't blog? How could I know people "like" the fact that I got paint in my hair? If someone has an opinion and they don't post it on Twitter, does the opinion matter?
So yeah, I definitely wouldn't want to live before all this wonderful technology. Although there would be perks to going without it until after the election season. I can imagine how past generations did without political chain emails...
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