Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Big Apple

I knew living in New York would be different than living in Provo or The Dalles, but I didn't realize exactly HOW different it would be. Going from a population of less than 50,000 to living alongside 8 million people involves much more than rubbing elbows with a few extra people every day.

10 differences between New York and Provo:
1) In Provo, a furious person brought to extreme provocation may be tempted to utter phrases like "I hope you go to heck!" In New York, it's not unusual to hear a guy drop three f-bombs while describing what he had for breakfast.
2) In Provo, when you want to visit someone unannounced, you simply walk up to their apartment door and knock. In New York, the doorman blocks your way. If there is no doorman, it is probably the type of place you'll want to invest in some pepper spray and a good self defense instructor before braving the premises.
3) In Provo, you go to a nice sit down meal and get a heaping plateful of food for seven dollars. In New York, you're lucky if seven dollars will cover the busboy's tip.
4) In Provo, if you need to use the restroom, you simply enter a store/restaurant, go to the back, and enter the door marked "women." In New York, you give up all hope of ever finding a public bathroom after the first ten blocks.
5) In Provo, the morning commute entails spending fifteen minutes by yourself in an air conditioned car, complaining that you had to wait an extra five minutes at the light because of "traffic". In New York, you spend 45 minutes standing jammed between several large, often smelly people who sneeze all over you, trying to avoid catching the eye of any panhandlers, trying to make sure the people smashed against you aren't helping themselves to your wallet, and trying to figure out if the shady-looking guy next to you looks like his backpack contains any explosives.
6) In Provo, people jaywalk. In New York, people realized the only way they might possibly avoid being killed by a speeding taxi is to stay in the crosswalk while the light is green, surrounding themselves with people sturdy enough to cushion the blow.
7) In Provo, you see a policeman and think "Dang it, he's probably going to come over and write me up for throwing snowballs." In New York, you see a pair of officers and think "Oh good, maybe I won't get mugged, shot, or stabbed on this block."
8) In Provo, getting lost means having to go around the block to avoid going the wrong way on a one-way street. In New York, getting lost means getting on the wrong train and ending up in the New Jersey by mistake.
9) In Provo, when you say you think the person across the street is a terrorist, your friends laugh at you for being paranoid. In New York, they shut down six city blocks.
10) In Provo, "pests" are the few ants that make their way into your kitchen in the spring. In New York, they're rats that could eat your pet chihuahua for breakfast.

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