Oh, BYU

This weekend I am going to a Divine Comedy show. For the uninitiated, DC is a comedy sketch group on campus. And they are hilarious. I think part of the reason they are so funny is because, well, let's face it... they've got a lot of material to work with. They can make fun of popular culture, college culture, Mormon culture, Utah culture, and BYU culture. It's a bonanza. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE BYU!!! Seriously, it's amazing. But it's also a crazy mix of the strange and ridiculous some days. I mean, where else could you overhear a snippet of conversation that goes like this...
Guy#1: 39?
Guy#2: Fornication.
...and instantly know they were studying for a Book of Mormon test? Not to mention how professors of non-religious subjects always throw in scripture references when they're teaching. For example, one day one of my classes went like this:
Professor: You know, when I make up multiple choice tests I kind of feel like Satan. I take the truth and then I twist it several different ways to trick you into picking the wrong one. Isn't that what he does?
Student: No, if you were following Satan's plan, there would only be one answer for each question and we would all be forced to get an A.
Class [chanting]: Satan's plan! Satan's plan!
...Only at BYU, eh? I think that's why our police beat and letters to the editor are so funny. Instead of alcohol-related incidents and other serious crimes we get incidents like this sneak preview of tomorrow's police beat:
March 4 A caller with a Jamaican accent made a call to the police department trying to reach men’s basketball coach Dave Rose. He wanted to inform Rose he had won a contest, and for Rose to receive his prize, he simply had to send them a cashier’s check. Being familiar with the scam, the police officer told him to stop calling. The caller continued to call. By coincidence, Rose was in the office during one of the calls and told the secretary to give the caller his number. The coach then took care of the problem by blowing a loud whistle into the mouthpiece. The caller has not called back since.
And finally, letters to the editor. Some are extremely articulate. Others make me wonder if maybe BYU needs to add a psych test to the admissions process. This year there was the writer who wrote a strongly-worded chastisement to the Bookstore for displaying Satanic images that "drive away the Spirit" when they hung up posters of cute little cartoon witches and ghosts for Halloween. There was the girl who compared girls who let guys pay for them on dates to prostitutes. There was also the guy who angrily claimed that he forgot to turn off his cell phone before going into the Testing Center because he was mercilessly distracted by the sight of a girl in a low cut shirt (he must not have outgrown his sixteen-year-old hormones yet). Fortunately, there are also students who write letters like this in response:
Dangerous Cleavage
I sympathize with the cleavage-sensitive student (Jan. 23, "Mind the gap") who spoke of a Testing Center worker "branding a particularly vicious v-neck," and of being so distracted that he lost the ability to read a sign. Recently, I was exiting Japanese class when I was attacked by a fiercely low-cut blouse. It leapt from its wearer's bosom, mercilessly assaulting me like a wicked stream of bullets that each have a gun that shoots additional, smaller bullets. Dazed, I managed to stumble only a few yards towards the exit when I collapsed, inadvertently pulling the fire alarm in the process. An Honor Code rescue squad had to be summoned to perform Chastity Pulmonary Resuscitation on me, and for the rest of the week, I was prone to fainting spells when near the opposite sex.

Like I said... Divine Comedy is not lacking in material.